Who stole my identity!

I know, I know, you think someone stole my identity! Well not my paper ID but my person ID. Its been almost 21yrs since I had my daughter (Gabs) so all in all I had a baby at 16,21,32,35! It’…

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Who stole my identity!

I know, I know, you think someone stole my identity! Well not my paper ID but my person ID.

Its been almost 21yrs since I had my daughter (Gabs) so all in all I had a baby at 16,21,32,35! It’s been quite the ride i can tell you, but a ride I would never change (unless I’m sleep deprived of course because then I stand up to my red haired nature).

My family here are the most important part of my life and I truly do dedicate my all to them  (unless someone brings me chocolate, then I turn into this creature who runs about looking for a safe place to hide so I don’t need to share it) they have always been so so important to me.

BUT and that is a big but…..i did for a long time lose my identity, I never meant to but it just happened one day.

I think its mainly because from the age 12 i have gone from home to home, not really planting roots anywhere, and not not particularly forming a great bond or feel of being love, need or anything.

Its not really any surprise that i ended up with a baby at sixteen is it!?

I heard people say my life was ruined and i should get an abortion!

“Don’t be ridiculous” i thought with this baby will come a new future, a chance to feel unconditional love and need. Nothing i had felt growing up, and if one thing was for sure, this child that grew inside me was going to grow up feeling everything i never.

We have had our teenage dramas but i can tell you, i dedicated my whole life to bringing her up in a stable environment and i guess i got it about 90 per cent right! She is my beautiful girl and i am one proud mama at the way she turned out.

I find myself wondering  that even though i worked damn hard through the years, college, a bit of UNI, constant going to work, etc that once my kids are older, what happens to me then?????

Me and Michal keep talking about this and even though we have years before we have a child free home, he reminds me “don’t worry babe, the house will be full of grand children by then”.

So i sit and smile to myself and think of our lives with a ton of grand-children by 4 of our kids, you know what? our future will be so fun, we have many a roller coaster to ride yet!

I may be 37 years of age but i have had an extremely colourful one at that i am very happy to of lived.

Confessions Of A Sinner!!

I confess that when i was 14 years of age i skipped school once and went somewhere with my best friend and drank myself into a stupor.

I confess that i just missed my dad and had a MAJOR problem with my Step-dad.

I confess that from the age of four, i was totally crazy about watching the news, the Ethiopians who were dying of starvation and thirst, the first Gulf War, The Bosnian War.

I confess i laid there night after night worrying about my mother in the most ridiculous way.

I was gangly and red headed with freckles i might add (Oh no! not the freckles and red hair i hear you saying) i was skinny and small, skin the colour of milk.

I could go on and on but obviously if you do read my Blogs you will quite evidently see a pattern of “Soul searching” going on during the times i read my book, i’m not actually sure why this happens but just in case you think i’m sad or down etc, i am only doing my job! A job that i am so in love with, that ever since i stopped writing about my life and doing a book of a completely different genre and nature, i have been the most happiest in my life, i no longer feel the need to feel bad for things i haven’t or have done, that now it is time for me and my little family of six to live our beautiful lives.

The moral of this jumbled story is that, yes indeed i have a jumble mind, but i am in no way a stupid girl! We all have to live our lives and aim for our full potential.

I have no idea why it took me so long to say goodbye to a blood family that hurt and used their “Blood” status to abuse me, time and time again.

People raise eyebrows when i say that i have cut them off completely, and i am not going to pretend it has been a walk in the park, it has been horrendous  at times, so many things have happened in the past 37 years, I WILL not lose anymore time.

We as a family of six have and are still finding our TrueNorth!!!!

 

Safe And Well

Morning all, hope this finds you safe and well.

Safe And Well?

What exactly does that mean? does it mean that the person hopes your tucked up in bed all nice, warm and comfy?

Or is there a darker side to what the person means, like watch your back, don’t say nothing! kind of thing.

I heard this once and i pondered it in my own mind until it really looked like a devilish thing to say, or at least that what i feared about this certain person.

This was a person i absolutely adored, i would of done most things for this person, i never turned my back for years upon years…but year after year i found myself resenting the person and wishing i could just knock off any contact i had ever had.

Until one day i received a Visitation order through my door, i sat and stared at the order for about 5 years, i never returned it and equally i never turned up.

My own logical thing in all this was that perhaps i had been a door mat so to speak, for my WHOLE life.

I had another baby and i felt a little ill when he was born, i hadn’t long lost my father and i just felt the grief was taking me over.

One day i silently snapped and sat in my room, through my tears and grief and joy all mixed up i came out with one solution….

To cut myself off from the person altogether.

I struggled for a LONG time with the separation of a person i loved with all my heart, but ultimately loyalty to me is something much much deeper than just saying “oh i am loyal” it just doesn’t cut it with me.

I lost the person and i grieved and in the end i realized i had done the right thing.

It doesn’t matter whether it is a relative or not, we must never be a doormat and when all is said and done you are in control of your own fate mostly.

Blood is thicker than water  but we can add a little water to the blood and its just the same.

At the end of the day you will always find your

TrueNorth.

 

Like-Minded People

As i sit here in peace with all all three boys safely tucked up in bed and the daughter out at her friends, i wonder to myself what will become of me as a woman, a person (I do have other capabilities than being a mama you know 😉 )

You see i will be frank with you, my baby boy Izaak or Fizz as we call him is two years old and still breastfeeding (oooo so controversial i know) he will stop before his third birthday, but anyway i am off track with this…

I understood that when you breastfeed your baby you get hunger pangs and your energy gets a little low, which is why i am STILL two years after giving birth…two stone over weight.

You would’t laugh if you could see me sat here with a double hot chocolate and a ham sandwich on…wait for it…WHITE BREAD …gasp i hear you go! i have to confess before that i sneaked the kid’s cheese strings out of the fridge also and i feel so guilty as i am thinking about the snickers bar in the drawer that’s shouting me to come and eat it.

I am supposed to be getting married soon, and although i actually have lost weight, i thought to myself yesterday that when a woman asked what i have on at the moment and i turned around and said “Oh i’m a writer” i stood and looked at her and waiting for an expression of “hmmm that explains the weight then”, but she was so excited and just exclaimed “oh wow can i read it please”.

This woman is a very special woman  in our lives for she has and is taking care of our two youngest children, and when i say she is truly magical with kid’s well she is.  She is the Pre-school teacher.

We wandered down to our local beach yesterday and since I’ve been sick of late (that bloody lurgy) Michal took me down there and played with Fizz whilst i wrote away and looked out over the Irish Sea and let my mind take my writing on to it’s next exciting journey.

When all is said and done i have to learn not to be scared to be so happy with this life that i truly believe is just so bloody perfect.

Hope this finds you all well and doing well with your Blogging and writings.

TrueNorth

 

A Liebster Nominee!!!

I was nominated by,https://sandandelion.wordpress.com/ . I find her Blog so inspiring and I have really enjoyed reading all her posts. Take a minute and check them out! I am sure you would love it as much as I have. Thank you so much for the nomination, i actually think i screamed when i read that i had been nominated 🙂

Things to do when nominated!:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you.
  • Display the award somewhere on your blog, or at least on your post.
  • Answer a set of 11 questions provided by the blogger who nominated you.
  • Post 11 random facts about yourself.
  • Nominate 11 blogs of your choosing with less than 1000 followers.
  • Create your own set of questions for your nominees to answer.

Now for the Questions:

Why did you decide to start a blog?

The reason i decided to Blog was to be quite frank, i needed to gain a platform, some experience in the writing world so to speak, rather just sat writing my book i felt the need to almost delve into a “more” professional setting, be with others that i have everything in common with.

What’s your favorite song?

Well now…let me think here a moment! I love love love all things Celtic, i was born and bred in Llanberis (North Wales) and so i am a great fan of the old Welsh folk songs, but equally i love all things modern too! I love Pink, Rihanna, Drake, Sam Smith Ellie Goulding. I also really love The Eagles, ACDC, Fleetwood Mac, Alice Cooper, Queen, Led Zepplin, Metallica i could go on and on and never stop. I LOVE to sing and people do say i have a rather magical singing voice.

What’s your favorite place to visit and why?

Since i was four years of age, i wanted to follow family tradition and move to America, but when i got the opportunity, i wasn’t in the right frame of mind, so i moved to the middle of no-where in Scotland instead! In the future we will buy a house over there and i am so sure i will be a very happy girl. I really am not sure why i wanted to move there so desperately, i guess when all said and done i just feel it pulling me in, there is so many things to see and do there, and i am totally in love with it.

What is your favorite thing to write about and why?

I just feel so at ease writing urban fantasy, full of monsters and demons and things we could never possibly even begin to imagine, it seems to be the way my head works. I love to make up my characters and send them down a journey but the journey has to be something out of the ordinary, something that takes my breath away and gives me a whole romantic notion of how it would be in their world.

What do you not like to write about and why?

Well as harsh as this may sound but to put it bluntly…my maternal family. About 4 years ago i wrote a book about my life and i got so down and far too wrapped up in all the negative stuff. The book is something i keep under lock and key and i will never show it to another person.

What things do you do when you’re feeling uninspired, struggling for ideas or overcoming writer’s’ block?

To be honest i grab myself a nice hot chocolate and give my brain time to come to its senses. I eat what i shouldn’t, i go and look around the beaches, trees, viking festivals anything and have an early night, i can guarantee you by a couple of hours or the next morning i am raring to go, full of new adventures.

Name one thing, other than being a blogger, that you’ve always wanted to be.

A writer, a singer and who wouldn’t love to be an owl, when i watch an owl fly across the sky at night i think to myself, you have the most amazing abilities, when i was five i tied feathered pillows to my arms and tried to fly off my bunk bed (i know what a silly girl)it didn’t work obviously and the only thing i achieved was a very bloody nose. Other than that i would of loved to of been in a position to open a center of some kind and help children who had nothing.

What character (from a movie, book, tv show, etc.) do you most identify with and why?

I don’t really know how to answer that one to be honest, i could identify with lots of different characters but i do have to say i mostly identify with the male ones as i find a lot of the female ones just too sweetly softy kind of thing, i am very motherly and girly in my own way but i always was a tom boyish kind of girl.

If you could give one piece of advice to your high school self (or middle school self if you’re in high school), what would it be?

Hmmm….that it is okay to go through phases and be a little different. Not to have to try so hard to be popular and fit in and not to be ashamed of myself for growing up in a rough neighborhood. Not to be embarrassed that i loved every part of history and geography when most others hated it, oh and last but not least to get better grades in maths.

Who’s your favorite author?

J.K Rowling, Denise Roberts , Sherrilyn Kenyon, William Shakespeare, there really are so so many, i don’t just stick to one genre, i read a book by Stanley Tookie Williams and Anthony Medina, who both at one time or another were death row prisoners. I was extremely inspired.

Random Facts About Myself:

  1. I was a teen mother at sixteen years of age.
  2. I was once contracted to the army.
  3. I am extremely un-romantic as a woman.
  4. I think i could still hit out a tune on the saxophone.
  5. I am a mother of four children and a wife to be.
  6. I am left handed and proud of it.
  7. I am a member of Amnesty ITNL.
  8. I love sex and the city.
  9. I am a good horse rider.
  10. I can cook a mean meatball and spaghetti dinner.
  11. I am extremely loyal and honest but equally people think i am unapproachable at times.

Nominees:

If you have already done this, don’t want to do it, or only want to do part of it, that’s completely fine!

My Questions For everyone i have chosen.

  1. Why did you decide to start a blog?
  2. What makes a Blog stand out from others?
  3. What is one thing that you have always try?
  4. What was your biggest fantasy in life?
  5. What is the think that really get’s you angry about writers?
  6. What is one aspect about yourself that you have always wished were a little different?
  7. What is the first thing you do in a morning?
  8. If you could take your own advice then what would it be?
  9. If you could go anywhere in our world to write, where would it be and why?
  10. What do you like to do for a hobby?
  11. Do you think all of us writers have like minded brains?

Thank you again Sandandelion for nominating me.

Things to do when nominated!:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you.
  • Display the award somewhere on your blog, or at least on your post.
  • Answer a set of 11 questions provided by the blogger who nominated you.
  • Post 11 random facts about yourself.
  • Nominate 11 blogs of your choosing with less than 1000 followers.
  • Create your own set of questions for your nominees to answer.

 

High On Life!

Let’s start this off by saying my 2 yr old and i am sick today, i am of course what i think is a reasonably good mother (Our 21 yr old will be at home till 51, must be doing something right aye) but i am by no means perfect, i used my lovely t-shirt today to wipe a big snot bubble from Izaak’s nose and this morning when he was climbing, kicking and headbutting me in a fit of the terrible two’s, i ground my teeth, looked up to …i have no idea who and shouted “Pleeeeeaaaaseeee why me” (ungrateful cow, i hear you say) but then i made my Chai Latte (The Chai HAS to be relaxing right?) and i was back to my normal crazy self, crawling on all fours pretending to be a dog that was chasing the baby, until our REAL dog Dexter thought i was a threat to the baby and growled at me (Go away i shouted, do you realize i am playing with my child, not your’s , to which Dexter got on my leg and tried to hump it…weirdo).

I sat down to my laptop, my BELOVED book and just as i am starting my chapter 15, Izaak climbs on me and smacks the keyboard, the laptop crashed, locked out and i couldn’t get in! I managed after an hour, but i had lost half of chapter 14 (i have since rectified that of course THANKFULLY).

I phone Michal (my hub to be) “You better come home and take me and Izaak to play school, i am never gonna get this book done at this rate” so off we went to sign him up to a lovely place that our 5 yr old Joshi used to go to and Izaak knows them a bit too. He starts on Monday (I know i’m complaining but he is my world so for now he will only be attending on a Monday and Wednesday just morning sessions) that way i shall get my book done much quicker.

It’s quite funny really the going on’s in our home, i wish you could watch us through a camera (Better not say things like that really) okay you would probably think we never sit down for 5 seconds out of the day, but you know what we have all that i ever wanted.

LOVE

RESPECT

LOYALTY

HEALTH

UNITY and ultimately i have found my TRUENORTH!

My 5 YR old is an Author!!!

Well i guess it goes to show aye, if you truly put your mind to it..no matter how young or old you are, you can succeed in being what you enjoy!

You see i have been working on my book for a long while now (Practically all of my adult life, i just changed the subject to something i found exciting and new) then one day our 5 Yr old son (Joshua) comes home from school and hands us a letter.

This letter is explaining that together as a class, they have been offered a book deal and the prayer book they have done is being published by might i add a good publisher!

Today we received a copy of the book its beautiful and i wish i could share a photo, but i am not a silly as to let out where my baby goes to school (You can understand in today’s day)

It is 278 pages long (Bloody typical that a bunch of 5 yr old’s have beat me to it) and Joshua’s prayer say’s “Dear Lord, forgive me for not looking after my toys..Amen.”

We are not really religious people (although i do believe that i do believe 🙂 ) but i was just bursting with pride at the first page mostly (because i have a feeling that when they asked Joshi what prayer he wanted he would of said “ooowww please lord can i have a DARK vader light saber and chocolate and a really really really massive huge house with the biggest garden so mama can have a swimming pool” as you do when your only 5 yrs of age) it say this prayer book was written by class one and belongs to (School name) I am a published author. I am proud to be one of the writers of this book. My contribution can be found on pages 77 and 78. I am 5 years old.

How adorable can something like this be, we are so proud as mum and dad.

Now on the more “I’m never so serious” kind of note, i am seriously going to have to kick arse at MY book now, i have the hardest competition right now and it’s in the shape and form of a 5 yr old, who is better known as my little ray of sunshine.

Always strive for your dreams and never let your hopes be dashed for you will always find your way home with TRUENORTH.

Nosey Neighbours

Today has been a slow day for my beloved book (TrueNorth) in fact i haven’t written anything of yet, it most certainly has been a funny old day really with the neighbor’s directly opposite our house, they stare at us through the window’s (I really am not a paranoid crazed woman MOSTLY) they are Jehovah Witnesses and they call round all the time “i really have nothing against you in life, i just don’t want to be a JW, nothing will ever change my mind” i tell them kindly. I just don’t want to be bothered by anyone really, i am what i am, and i am most definitely at peace with myself!

It is terribly hot here in England, at one point i got on the phone to Michal (father of the house) and moaned at how fed up i was because i was bored and sweaty (It’s a bloody good job that man love’s me) i was.

I planned to get down and dirty with my book this morning whilst Izaak (our 2 yr old) was watching TV, but then i remembered much to my dismay (I’m really really not selling myself at the good mother vibe here am i?) that William (16) had another dentist appointment to have some major work on his poor teeth. The dentist was a nice enough man a specialist too! He pulled out the drilling thingy (Not familiar with the technical wording for all that’s used) and begun drilling. The actual drill part was loose and it flew of at extremely high pressure and almost hit me in the nose (picture Michal pulling up in the car with a screaming Izaak because he is bored, and seeing me coming out with a bloody broken nose) BUT it missed THANKFULLY.

I saw my wonderful husband to be for about 2 hours on and off, he was working non stop and boy did i feel sorry for him, he said “Come on sweetheart you better get a bloody move on with that book of your’s” and then stuck his tongue out at me.

So i thought that night time is generally the best time i can get my Blog done, and i do enjoy doing it (you try doing it in the morning in this house, Izaak screams for a banana, an apple, crisp’s, choc choc…anything to get my attention) and so i’m going to do it on the night’s when i have time from now on.

My favorite time to write is early in the morning, when the sun is rising but in all realism i am quite literally scary at that time, i look worse for wear, I’ve been up all night either with snoring, cry or breastfeeding (i know, i know i should stop, but dammit people i need my sleep and so i keep on but i will stop before his 3rd birthday).

Gab’s our daughter (21) came down this morning ready for work this morning, i was dancing round the kitchen in front of my laptop, piece of toast in hand and Chai Latte in the other, white concealer round my eyes and brown lip liner (Mid-makeup..oh the joy’s of being a bloody woman) rapping away to Warren G’s Regulate. She looked at me tutted and said “Mother what-ever next! Are you going to do your book today?” I replied with “Yes daughter”  and gave her a lovely salute that turned into a kind of ballerina spin if you will. “Hmm” she said and off she went on her way.

I think the kid’s forget sometime’s that half of the music they listen to today i was listening to way before they were born, i mean i am ONLY 37 (Ridiculous).

On wards and up wards aye!

Look’s like North has been a naughty boy in my book, and his eternal love is just about to wave bye bye to him for all eternity, let’s hope someone can help him out ASAP, she really is rather evil when she’s angry and there are ALOT of people trying to turn her against him, finger’s crossed that my North survives aye!

I really must do a Blog about how i came about my book title soon.

When all else fails you MUST always look TRUENORTH.

 

 

Daydream believer

So it’s he morning after the night before if you will.

I’m STILL Pre-menstrual but i’m feeling sunny and ready to run a mile today (Not that i could run a mile these days if i tried it’d probably kill me for i’m an awful fag ash lil these day’s, awful habit i know but i have been smoking since i was 14, i NEED to stop.)

The kid’s are quiet this morning, and i feel quiet too, not too quiet for my normal silliness though.

It was just the fight of Amir Kahn, he fought so well i can’t believe he was knocked out after fighting so so well, he live’s quite local to me really (How do mother’s sit and watch their babies fighting in a ring, if i saw my son knocked out, oh boy, there wouldn’t be a single man nor an army that would stop me from getting in that ring and whooping his little hyde.)

So on with my writing i go, i feel rather betrayed by the character i am most like in my book and it’s amazing how the story seems to be flowing (of course i sit here finishing my Blog off at 8 pm this evening because it’s been almost 30 degrees outside, and since here in England it mostly rain’s, i thought i’d get out with my family for a BBQ and what not) it’s running smoothly and my finger’s can not for the life of me type fast enough to keep up with my thought’s and excitement for what will come of my TrueNorth.

I’ve been dreaming again recently, strange dreams almost like a deja-vu,  like i have been there before, it’s a strange conception of how i come to have idea’s for my writing’s but i also find it quite comforting.

The children are in bed, i came down to this waiting for me (Michal push’s me to embrace these dreams of mine) and a lovely glass of Bacardi Oak with a posh slice of lime hanging on the side of the glass. I have the warm summer breeze blowing over me after my cool shower and the smell of coconut and pineapple that i sprayed are wafting through the air.

When all said and done i’m a pretty lucky lady really after all it seem’s i perhaps have also found my TRUENORTH and maybe sometime’s i should shut up and just learn to be happy once and for all, i may not be rich in money but i most definitely am rich with the love i have from Michal and the kid’s.

TRUENORTH.