IS THIS LIVING IN HELL!!!???

So i start my Blog by saying hello to my readers and that i hope this finds you safe and well!!!

I started my journey writing my blogs, mind you i have only written a few but thats nothing i cant change is it!!

So we have been having ALOT of problems with our 21 year old daughter, long story short she is a real nightmare, hard work to the core, without actually knowing she has done anything at all.

Its like a nightmare everyday and night and i dont think i can take anymore, i dont know if she is bi-polar or schizophrenic, but its coming between everything i do…..my relationship with all 3 of her brothers especially the oldest of the boys who is just shy of 18, but mostly its really coming between my relationship between my other half…its never been easy, because she has been doing all these things for many many years.

I am not in the mood to talk let alone have a relationship, im feeling trapped, urgently wanting to get out, just grab my bags and walk, but i would never leave my babies.

Im finding myself so annoyed from the minute i wake, even bad dreams when i am asleep, im having a flare up of PTSD and i can tell you its so hard to not tell everyone to leave me alone.

I dont know which sand mound to bury my head in, but this is too much.

Why does my own daughter feel the need to play games, destroy me and grind me into the floor, well i think i brought this on myself because i never executed many if any rules as she was growing up, she got to this age and if i tell her to do a thing, she unleashes hell on us then cant remember what she has done.

Either way im fed up of going to battle every single day, its not a battle if i am completely silent and have no voice, if i so much as pipe up all hell breaks loose.

 

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The Clique Minus One.

Such an awesome, curious piece of writing, keep up the good work friend!

A Hound's Tell

Hoping to see her around every corner; I was already looking to my left.
I saw them before they saw me.
It was the clique minus one, just the three.
“This is it.”
They never went anywhere without the Lieutenant and they had no reason to be so close to my barracks.
I did the math: {they’re here to collect me.} I choked, knees liquefied. I heard the Captain: “John!”
I knew this day would come.
I felt the left knee buckle. I had it scoped a year earlier and I knew it was going to give to gravity. I fought it and allowed the right knee to give out sooner in order to control my fall and catch myself on the hand railing to my right. I managed to hang my armpit on the railing, I was kneeling. I climbed up to standing and squeezing steel. “John, John; we…

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Arghhhh ThreadWorms!!!!!!!

THREAD WORMS!!!!!!!!!

Well it scares me to say that my 1st blog is titled THREAD WORMS, but whilst these little beasts exist in our world I have never EVER come across them in the 21 years that I have been a mother, that is until last Friday!!!!
Our 6 year old son wakes up crying (he doesn’t usually get fazed by a thing, so isn’t much of a crier) I ask him what’s wrong?
“My bum is itchy and stingy” he says back.
Ok so into the bathroom we go, where I take a look!
I honestly scratched my head thinking he had dry skin round his little behind UNTIL I look closer and saw them there!!!!!!
“What is it?” He asked me.
I stand up, wide eyed with shock horror!
“Hmmm nothing my darling, its just a bout of worms” (how could I say such a thing)

Crying my beautiful baby turns to me with such fear, and started crying out “worms! I’ve got worms coming out my bum?”

Anyway, my husband to be got the medicine we all needed and we took it, the same day! I have been spring cleaning, washing, scrubbed everything in site, now our 2 year old has them! It seems the Ovex takes a while to work, and we need to re-treat on day 14!!!
We are a very clean family, our little Joshua got these I think from the big trampoline park we went to, but I cant be sure for he also bites his nails when he’s anxious about something, so it could of been anywhere.
I am horrified by the look of these little pests, I hate worms ect, especially if they are on my babies!!!

I swear I know how to use Instagram?

Well hello there and kind greetings my WordPress friends 😊 you’d never believe that it is December 2016 and one week ago I got myself an Instagram for the first time ever ( I know right 😲) its actually going really well, all I do is take a picture and write a caption with it, it’s fun and creative and so much bloody easier than good ole Twitter, but you see I love Twitter and do you know why? Well let me tell you, I like a challenge and I feel like on twitter you have to almost work for your followers, its a pretty cool place to be nothing like Facebook, I find FB unbelievably boring its like a “Dear diary I hate and snoop on everyone’s lives kind of place” BUT anyway I’ve found a new love and that love os called Instagram 💖 hope Twitter understands but if it likes I will still be there regularly writing my beloved quotes etc and updating on my books ( that coincidently I haven’t had an offer of a publish of sorts yet, I’m patient though) so hope your all enjoying yourselves and looking forward to all the upcoming festivities because i know I am with my loved ones 😊 for now take care friends. 😘

 

 

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The End Of A Chapter.

How is it i have come to the end of my first ever book? I have sat staring at it for what seems like forever.

So i have finished and i was completely ecstatic, i mean wow what an amazing achievement  if not for anyone else then for myself, so now i come to the searching my already literary agents etc, writing a great query letter and a synopsis..I think that as writers you will all appreciate how “hard” they actually are to produce.

I have been sitting here for two days (amongst all the family stuff going on around me) i have seriously written so many things, just on these two things alone that i have filled a Pukka Pad, it really is mind boggling to me. I understand that a Synopsis is to basically tell my story in short (not a blurb in anyway) but to me its crazy that i am finding it so hard to tell it with the points i want to stand out to the agent, i fear they will look at it (when it is done of course) and roll their eyes thinking the story is no good.

I am quite a pessimistic person really, i wasn’t really blessed with the power of optimism, i mean i am not COMPLETELY pessimistic, i am just a worrier.

I have not once suffered writers block whilst typing up my beloved book, but i really am struggling now, i have started but i closed my pad and played with the children instead.

I don’t really know how to plan it out and so on.

At the end of the day i WILL get it done, like tonight maybe.

I am tired from thinking and although some people think that’s a bad thing, my brain does mysterious things when i am like that, its like everything is crystal clear, so i know it will come to me it is only a matter of time.

And That Is A Wrap!

Greetings followers, hope you are all doing well and enjoying your writings, whatever they may be.

Today was an extremely important day for me, a major achievement for i wrapped up writing my book! (Wow i say to myself how the heck did you manage that girl, what with all five other people in your household needing that constant stream of attention everyday, well i did it FINALLY).

I have been through it so many times i think i could read it backwards. I have sifted through it so many times with a fine tooth comb that i can only imagine i will kick myself if something else pops up on me now, but here’s hoping and fingers crossed and all that jazz.

I have been researching literary agents for a few years now (may as well be ahead of my own game right? plus i like to try my best to be prepared and ready for things when i need them) i have the list in front of me and all their details and requirements etc.

I feel so excited “I am prepared for the rejection letter” i say in a sing song voice, to which Michal my husband to be rolls his eyes and mutters “Yes dear, anything you say darling” in all truth the realistic thought of me being rejected is not a very wonderful thought for him i can tell you, but i am optimistic and that is all that matters at this point.

So i am on my way, if not for any other reason, then for myself! I have juggled being a stay at home mother, dirty nappies, family this and that’s and everything you could more or less imagine, BUT i set my goal years ago and although i am a little late in starting this whole process…i have done it and i am one happy mama i can tell you.

I could go on but i shall leave it there for it is ten PM and my children have decided they want pizza ON A WEEK NIGHT …the older ones i mean and since i am helping my five year old back from chicken pox and a sore throat because they are EVERYWHERE you can imagine, plus i am still nursing my two year old that seems to think it funny to have me run up and down stairs all night.

So i gave in and made them pizza meanwhile running back and forth trying to write my bloody Blog.

Moral of the day- Do not eat pizza late at night if you suffer heartburn (I do not take heed of my own advice really do i )

Goodnight my friends.

Rainy Saturdays

As i sit this morning at my kitchen side typing up my Blog, i have the kitchen windows behind me wide open and of course we have been waiting for some rain, any little bit of rain, you see the weather has been sweltering hot, to the point that when Michal (the lovely husband to be) comes in from a night shift, he cant believe his eyes whether in a good or bad way, because lets face it, even though i am ease with my post baby body and so is he i do have a habit of standing naked in the big mirror and squeezing my little apple tummy and shouting Michal over “Hey babe, its the mirror that makes me look like that isn’t it? We REALLY do need a new mirror”.

I hear the mamas out there laughing and nodding in tune to my asking of such a question. Thing is maybe i am not at such ease with this post baby body, in my mind though (Excuses, excuses i know) i am STILL breastfeeding our little one even though he is two years old and it is slowing down now and i just don’t exercise like i should.

I got Michal to take me to the supermarket and i kid you  not i think i bought ever exercise outfit in there, purple sports bra, matching leggings and bright pink sneakers or trainers, i hate pink, but id seen them on the plus size mannequin and my mind said “Go for it, you will look great!” so even if they are still hanging in the wardrobe, the point is every time i open the wardrobe and they look me dead in the face, the bright colours are saying “come on put me on, show me what your made of, you can do it” and so everyday i think  “Right nows the time” then i close the wardrobe and get out my laptop to finish up writing my book, then i start feeling a bit lousy, so i grab myself just one Kitkat bar (WARNING=complete fabrication, i mean three) and stuff my face.

In the garage i have myself a running machine and elliptical trainer to use, the first time i used the latter i almost collapsed with heart failure or something, this is new to me!!

Before having the two youngest, i had been a runner since the age of twelve, i won an award when i was fourteen for beating the British army in an assault course race, i was an Army Cadet, and busting a gut to live the rest of the foreseeable future  in army life. I believed i was better than most of the males in my team.

Fast forward years later, I’m tired mentally and psychically, but i figured out that when you have two kids five and under plus a teen and a twenty year old, this requires much more strength  than i ever needed then, plus i am older, my fitness is diabolical and i am almost five stone heavier than i was then, well lets not beat around the bush no more, i need to stop with all the crap and move my ass, i am thirty seven and moving this and improving my fitness will be harder than when i was twenty five.

I tried Slimming World, but i eat little and far too often, they eat MASSIVE meals, its just too much for me in one go, so i dropped out. I will lose it better with pure exercise.

Anyhoo i shall leave it there for today, it is far too hot in here.

Realistic goal for tonight when the kids are in bed= Get them damn clothes on and make this body work right again!!!!!

TrueNorth right?

Break-In’s :(

Good morning all! I hope this finds you all safe and well.

Well i shall start this by saying i wish we had more protection laws in the UK, now i am not a person who is up to date on the laws etc on an intruder in your home, but if my children are in bed and i hear an intruder something does happen to my mind and i kind of flip out, which is a normal instinct of fear isn’t it.

So last night my great friend, godmother of  children and people i class as our family, sent me a message telling me to lock all my doors, windows etc, it was 12Am and she was still up, her husband (Godfather to our kids also) was asleep in bed ready for work for in the morning. She heard the patio doors sliding open at the back, now thank god we all have dogs round here, for her dog went ballistic, My friend went to see what it was and her dog had obviously chased the person over the gate.

I have PTSD due to something that happened like this years ago, but it turned out much much worse for me, my ex-husband and our two kids. I have in the 16 years since learnt to control this god awful disorder, but when me and my husband to be met, and before we had the youngest two children, we lived in an upstairs apartment, luckily the older two kids were at their grandparents, but someone came looking for the person living downstairs and long story short they kicked my door into pieces, i would not let my hub to be near them, i grabbed the biggest kitchen knife and chased them off, i was scared out my mind, and it led me to snap and try to chase them down.

Later on they committed a violent crime and were apprehended.

The fact is i have everything in my head, flashbacks, escape routes and although you may think crazy person, i am still here to tell the story years later, many are not.

Moral of the story…I am a mother, i have a mothers instinct, if an intruder comes into our home, i am then have the instinct of a mother bear

When all is said and done i will make sure to triple check my doors.

Mrs Routine

As i sit here in bed with my cup of tea, typing my blog, with a 2yr old plus 5yr old trying to kick me out of my own bed (ohhh what must it be like to starfish in a lovely big bed) Joshi our 5yr old was scared of the dark and no amount of reasoning would help, and Izaak our 2yr old is still nursing and with Michal working nights, i wonder at the ripe age of 37 (i sense you rolling your eyes you know) if ever i will know what it is like to sleep a full nights sleep!

I was what the older kids call “crabby” this morning, you see I woke up to Michal snoring so loud and Joshua and Izaak had put toothpaste (a whole tube) all over the en-suite, although i predict it was Joshua who may have opened it and Fizz who squirted it…either way i instantly became a true grump.

The night before i was on a roll with my book and as is often the case with writers, it was a late one, but as i was on this roll our 21 year old, Gabs asked me to cut her hair, seems i was taking far too long so she took the scissors and messed it up (well shouldn’t be thinking we know better then aye) all in all i was productive in my writing but it was a hectic evening (I really have no idea why the minute I “YES I” need to get something of MAJOR importance to me, the kids alllll need a piece of me).

I’m looking outside from my bed, my hair is all over, it seriously looks like a lions mane.

I’m standing talking to myself trying to brush through it (I’d have more luck having a shaved head sometimes) “Why did i have to get my dads hair” i say out loud through gritted teeth as i stand in only my knickers and bra.

Izaak of course being only two years only nips my bum and calls me piggy (yeah thanks kid) and Joshua being a curious five year old says i need to lose weight other wise i will turn into a burger like his story :O (I hear the gasps from you mama’s out there, oh tell me you sympathize, just tell me?) my lovely other half sits up in bed looking like a cave man, one eye shut, the other trying to focus on where i am in the room and mumbles like a sleep talking loonie at how i am the most beautiful woman alive and then i hear snoring coming from him again. hmm.

You see all six of us living in this house, obviously have all different natures, but in a morning when i am just trying to start my day and then all these different moods come crashing down on me, well at times i feel like laughing whilst pulling my hair out.

the thing is they think i am the one who is crabby of a morning! Fancy them thinking that, i often mumble to myself that i will pack myself a bag when we win the lottery and off i will go to the beautiful desert island that i purchased, and then when i say this out loud they look at me like i am the most neurotic mother EVER, so i say “yeah well, then if you wanted to get hold of me, just ask for CRABBY”.

On a serious note though the sky may be grey outside but our house is like a techni couloured rainbow, it is everything all rolled into one, balanced enough that it is perfection at its best and i would never change it for anything.

TrueNorth

A Legend Flies Away.

ali-in-khalilah_galleryImageWhen i look at Muhammad Ali i see a father, a husband, a man that has been through ALOT of different things as a family man.

When i look at this picture of him and his family, i see a normal family, dad’s probably driving mum mad, letting his kids get away  with all sorts, mums probably tired and doing the normal things mum does, only its twice as hard for this mama because she has to worry about her children’s daddy getting hurt in the ring, and that will in turn drive her nuts.

I feel so sad that we lost this ultimately great man, i always find it so hard when someone who i have known about since before i can remember passes on, but for this man i feel total sadness, my father had Ali on a shrine almost, he absolutely loved him and spoke about him so much, so with the death of Ali, it has brought memories flooding back of missing my own father.

Am i the only one who ever thought there was a baby born at the exact time that Ali passed, that can only mean he lives on.

This is just a short little personal piece really, i feel the need to pay my respects for this wonderful man, and the amazing family that took care of him in every way.

Sleep Well my darling, keep flying high now, never letting the standards down.